Isolation
by AliceInScribbleLand
Summary: 5 times Cuddy isolated herself for her future and the 1 time she didn't.
1. Chapter 1

It was the end of her first year at med school. She had just gotten her grades back, all A's. She had expected nothing less of herself, but still it felt empty. Questions and doubts flooded her mind. She could do the bookwork, understand the concepts, but would she be able to do it for real? Would she be able to do it in practice, without anything to fall back on? Sure all doctors had insurance, but that wouldn't seem so important if she killed someone.

Making her way to the music hall, she pulled her jacket closer. Her roommate had shown her the door with the broken lock. It was generally quiet in there, a good place to study that not many people knew about. She wasn't a rule breaker by nature, but she had gone there with Sarah the first few times and had eventually built up her courage to return on her own. In a school fool of academics, it was hard to find a quiet corner. Now, the building was like her second home. She liked to study in the balcony, watching over the stage below.

Making her way to the light panel, she turned on only the lights over the personal boxes. Making her way to her favorite one, she called up in one of the velvet seats. She normally preferred the floor, but this night she wasn't there to study. Looking down at the two pieces of paper in her hands, she sighed, her grades on one side, a letter from her sister on the other.

Rolling her eyes at the offending papers, she quickly opened her backpack. She wasn't here to think. This place had offered her a calming shoulder anytime she had asked, that was all she wanted, comfort. Pulling a bottle of red wine out of her back, she smirked. It was so unlike her. She had never been a big drinker, let alone one who would hide away in the shadows drinking alone.

This was different. She was at a fork in her life and didn't know which way to turn. She wanted simplicity with complexity all in one. If a glass of red wine was the closest she could come, then so be it. She poured the Cabernet, into the plastic wine glass and let it sit. Wishing the lights would twinkle off it as if it were glass. The small denial caused her eyes to tear. Life had failed her once again.

Swirling the half-filled glass, she watched the red juice, cling to the sides. Slowly it dripped back to the pool of red. Breaking her eyes away, she turned back to her sister's letter. They wanted her home. Her mother's eyes were failing and her father's mind no better. Susan added in that she did what she could, but with a husband and three small children, there was only so much possible. Yet, it was fully plausible for her to drop her life and everything that mattered. She finished sipping and refilled.

Her own doubts intensified tenfold at her sister's words. Was this fate playing its hand? Telling her that she didn't belong here, despite what her grades and professors told her. It was her responsibility to take care of those she loved; wasn't that more important? She sipped her wine slowly, letting it linger on her pallet. As the warmth in her month spread down her throat and into her belly, she contemplated what could be.

Nevertheless, her rational mind argued in ten, twenty, years her parents would be gone. She would be left alone with a happily married sister and lots of nieces and nephews. There had to be more to her life than doing the responsible thing. She knew being a doctor would involve sacrifices, but she had always felt they would be worth it. Did a simple letter change that?

Closing her eyes, she finished the second glass of wine. There was a loud click and she jumped in surprise. Glancing down at the wine bottle sitting on the floor, she silently thanked fate for it not being in her hands. Dropping that would have surely given away her presence and probably cause the loss of her favorite spot.

Sitting in silence, she held her breath until she heard the piano bench creak along the stage. Silently peering over the edge, she watched as the form of a tall lanky young man sat at the piano. He was facing her, but was solely focused on the instrument before him. Adjusting into a comfortable position, he moved with an ease she didn't expect.

Less afraid of the invader, she poured one more glass of wine. She knew it was irrational, but she had always left a certain amount of trust to fate. Maybe this young man held the answer to her question. Sipping slowly, she smiled as he hands hovered silently over the keys. The intensity had her nearly ready to say something, when quietly began to play.

A grin spread across her face, as she heard the familiar beginnings of 'Claire de Lune'. Setting her glass down for fear of dropping it, she wrung her hands exited as a new sense of sureness coursed through her veins. As his fingers sped up, increasing both speed and intensity, she rose to her feet.

Standing at the edge, leaning over, she watched him play. Sensing her presence, bright blue eyes flashed to hers. He wasn't shocked like she had been to find an intruder in her sanctum. He wasn't offended that she was creeping in the shadows, listening to him play. He accepted, without question. The only recognition of her presence was a simple nod in her direction and a mischievous smile.

Silent tears fell to her cheeks. She had her answer. Simplicity and complexity, it was all around her: her glass of red wine, the plastic cup, the music, his presence, and her choice. She would finish what she started out to do. There was sadness in her that ached for her parents. It empathized with what her sister was trying to do. It was guilt she knew she would carry with her for years. Collecting her things, she made her way down the stairs. Music was still swirling through the hall, but she had her answers. Shutting the lights back off, she shot a broken smile in the direction of the lone figure basked in light upon the stage. Wiping a fresh batch of tears away, she headed to write to her sister.


	2. Chapter 2

Cuddy drove home from work in complete silence. She didn't even bother to turn the radio on. Music was something she always turned to in moods like these. No matter how she felt it was always constant. Roam around the stations long enough and there would always be someone with the right words and rhythms to make her feel slightly less alone.

Tonight was different. Tonight she wanted to dwell on the feelings of isolation and loneliness. In their own way, her darker emotions comforted her. She spent so much time being strong, that it was a relief to be able to break down and cry. Not until she reached home first.

Staring out the front window, Cuddy made her way from the hospital to her own. Christmas lights were already out, lighting up the drive with their brilliant twinkling. She smiled as she thought about the season. Christmas was in three days. While she was raised Jewish and tried to stay in touch with her roots, Christmas still seemed to dominate her thoughts every time she thought of the holidays.

She thought about the two seasons and how things had changed. When she was younger, her family had always celebrated Hanukah. Every act was performed with a sense of tradition and history. Now, she didn't even know if her parents still practiced. She assumed they did, but knew she didn't spend near enough time around them to judge. Over the years, so much had changed. She was not who she had been then and neither were they. She had hired help for them, it was the least she could do after staying at med school. Her father still had good days and bad, while her mother's were mostly full of worry and boredom.

As she and her sister had gotten older, it was harder each year to find the time to go home. Her family now only got together one night to celebrate. That one night usually happened to be Christmas Eve. That fact had always annoyed her parents. They didn't understand that in a world as busy as theirs, they couldn't just drop everything and go home. Both she and her sister had careers that kept them busier than most. Traditional Christian holidays were just easier to take off, since most businesses closed then anyways.

Pulling into her driveway, she smiled at her own Christmas Lights. She didn't care that it was a commercialized visualization of Christmas. She liked them. She knew her parents would hate them; the fact that she had put them up herself would infuriate them more. She was a woman living alone in a big city with a career. There was little left she could do to disappoint.

Rolling her eyes bitterly she thought of one thing. She had called her parents earlier in the week to tell them that this year. She wouldn't be able to come home. It had taken nearly forty minutes on the phone to convince them that she wasn't' changing her mind. This year she wanted to be alone.

Standing next to her car, she felt the cold seep in despite her warm jacket. She shivered, feeling the chill overtake her sense. The cold weather was something that she could honestly say brought her comfort. She hated the snow and all the work involved, but it was worth it to feel like this.

She felt refreshed, clean, and alive. All week she had felt dragged down by the complications of her life. Tonight was the first time she could remember feeling like she could breath. Her mind was clear and everything seemed to be set in place. Looking up at the stars, she felt tears well in her eyes.

In that moment, she felt entirely alone. There was no one to hold her, but there was no one to make demands upon her either. An emptiness in the pit of her stomach made itself known, as she continued to glance at her surroundings. Her skin was now chilled, but she didn't notice.

Taking a deep cleansing breath, Cuddy grabbed her things from the back seat. Not bothering to wipe the tears from her eyes, she slowly walked towards her front door. She didn't want to go inside just yet, but new it was pointless to postpone the inevitable. Her parents would never understand her life. She would still be alone.

Angrily brushing the tears off her cheeks, she tried to fight off the feelings of melancholy. It wasn't the first time she had chosen the option that left her alone and she doubted it would be the last. Companionship had always come at too high a price and she silently wondered if she would ever be able to pay.


End file.
